Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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