So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
