have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
