Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
