I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
