Im at strip club and am horny
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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