My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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