why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
