I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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