Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
