Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He shit in the fireplace
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
