My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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