He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
whose parrot is this?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize