he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize