In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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