I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
