Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize