dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
