Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's blow job season.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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