apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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