she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
