I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize