I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
