Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
