if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
