There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
