im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
