Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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