Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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