I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
