I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
