how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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