I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
