I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
