Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
