Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found your dick twin last night
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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