I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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