I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
