did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
