dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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