I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize