Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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