He disabled his match.com account in front of me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
