who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
