I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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