Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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