On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
