i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Pants are for mortals
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