We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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