I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
