Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
