i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
