Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
