just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
