My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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