So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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