I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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