just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
