you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
