Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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