you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
