"it" just moved
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
