Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
