Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
