You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
