My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize