I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
