I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
