I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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