Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Still dying that you shit outside
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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