So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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