We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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