Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
