one two three fourrrrnication!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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