He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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