Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
